{"id":520,"date":"2012-05-30T17:45:00","date_gmt":"2012-05-30T21:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mikaelstaer.com\/clients\/cbeals\/dev\/?p=520"},"modified":"2015-06-08T06:30:03","modified_gmt":"2015-06-08T10:30:03","slug":"are-you-jock","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mikaelstaer.com\/clients\/cbeals\/dev\/2012\/05\/are-you-jock\/","title":{"rendered":"Confessions of a Wannabee Jock"},"content":{"rendered":"

I am not a jock. Even though\u00a0I was on cross-country skis as soon as I could walk, even though I was a competitive swimmer for a decade, even though I was on three high school sports teams (XC, swimming, track), even though I’m a pseudo-pro triathlete<\/a>, I’m still not a jock.\u00a0I can only marvel at the\u00a0fluidity of movement, the effortless mastery of sports, the raw physicality that define a jock. Sticks, bats and skates become extensions of their limbs, physical awkwardness is a foreign concept and\u00a0hand-eye coordination comes as naturally as breathing.<\/p>\n

Are you a jock? If you need to ponder this question the answer is almost certainly no. Still not sure? Take this simple test: if someone suddenly throws a ball at you, your reaction is:<\/p>\n

\"\"
Answer key: a) jock, b) pathetic athletic<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

My\u00a0dad\u00a0once referred to my ineptitude at catching and throwing as his greatest failure as a father. One baseball game in grade 9 gym class will forever be seared into my memory. I\u00a0had buried myself deep in the outfield where I hoped to be safe from any action. The bases were loaded when someone hit a fly ball. The ball described a lazy arc high above the field. I watched in disbelief, then with growing fear, as the ball homed in on my position. Rather than attempting a catch\u2014bound to be an embarrassing and dangerous failure\u2014I did the only sensible thing and stepped to the side letting the ball fall to the ground. This delay cost my team the game.\u00a0I noticed the gym teacher shaking his head taking notes on his clipboard.<\/p>\n

Gym class was a perennial black mark on my otherwise immaculate report card. Although I did show a surprising aptitude for swing dancing during the brief unit. I even got to dance a number on stage at a school assembly. Another nail in the coffin of my jockhood.<\/p>\n

In primary school, I was one of two boys in my class who did not play hockey\u2014borderline\u00a0heresy in\u00a0smalltown\u00a0Canada.\u00a0This deviant behaviour aroused the suspicion of my peers.\u00a0I tried to fit in.\u00a0I faked my way through mini-stick hockey and touch football at recess.\u00a0But even the fat kids got picked before me.\u00a0I briefly wore a team baseball cap like the other boys until I failed to name a single player on the team when questioned.<\/p>\n

I have trouble matching teams with their respective sports and home cities, let alone their players.\u00a0Occasionally someone will ask if I saw “the Game” last night. “Um… yeah… that game…” \u00a0This is often followed by a stream of gibberish about blue lines, tight ends and bottom innings. They might as well be\u00a0speaking\u00a0Quenya<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Jockdom is more than a subculture; it is\u00a0an exclusive club to which endurance athletes need not apply. Endurance sports are the\u00a0last stop for the rejects of mainstream jock-dominated sports: the\u00a0uncoordinated, the socially-challenged, the oddly-proportioned, the slow.\u00a0What lunatic would suffer through triathlons if he could kick ass at hockey? or chess boxing<\/a> or toe wrestling<\/a>\u00a0or bog snorkelling<\/a>?\u00a0Endurance sports grant the\u00a0non-jock masses what mainstream sports never could: a taste of athletic success.<\/p>\n

You\u00a0don’t even have to do well, you just have to finish.\u00a0Unlike jock sports where\u00a0success is measured in wins, standings, points, goals and touchdowns, simply completing an endurance event is considered an accomplishment in and of itself.\u00a0With the rise of this “compete-to-complete” mentality, athletic mediocrities can engage in\u00a0a kind of jock\u00a0role-playing. All endurance athletes\u2014from the overweight and undertrained to the elite\u2014are playing out a latent fantasy of being a jock, a fantasy born of\u00a0childhood envy of schoolyard jocks.\u00a0But let’s not kid ourselves, we’ll never be jocks!<\/p>\n

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