{"id":521,"date":"2012-05-10T20:08:00","date_gmt":"2012-05-11T00:08:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mikaelstaer.com\/clients\/cbeals\/dev\/?p=521"},"modified":"2015-05-18T17:09:35","modified_gmt":"2015-05-18T21:09:35","slug":"resume-of-pseudo-pro","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mikaelstaer.com\/clients\/cbeals\/dev\/2012\/05\/resume-of-pseudo-pro\/","title":{"rendered":"Resume of a Pseudo-Pro"},"content":{"rendered":"

An old lady offered me a lawn mowing gig. My first instinct was to accept. At the back of my mind, I sort expected to come home and pick up where I left off before university. I would move back into my old bedroom, go back to high school, work simple menial jobs and return to the carefree lifestyle of adolescence.<\/p>\n

Wait a sec… I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn’t work that way. I am a university graduate. And not just any old graduate; I’m a graduate of Queen’s University. I’m destined to walk corridors of power, scale the heights of bureaucracy, rub shoulders with the upper echelons of society and command a princely salary. Not mow lawns for $20 and the odd glass of lemonade. The only grads mowing lawns studied Turfgrass Management<\/a> or Post-Impressionist Scandinavian Ice Sculpture<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Of course, I didn’t subject the poor old lady to this highfalutin lecture. “Sorry mam, lawn mowing does not align with my professional goals. You see, I’m a pseudo-professional triathlete specializing in the Southern Ontario non-drafting short-course age-group triathlon circuit.”, I explained.<\/p>\n

\nLots of newly-minted grads take off to some exotic locale to get drunk or build orphanages (often both). As a misanthrope bound to a rigid daily routine, I don’t tend to enjoy travelling. So instead, I’m going to be a pseudo-pro for a while. Every hard working grad has earned a few guilt-free months of goofing off, right?<\/p>\n

\nSo what, pray tell, is a pseudo-pro? It’s someone who adopts the lifestyle of a professional athlete without the requisite talent to make it a viable career. It can also be considered a mental disorder related to megalomania<\/a>.<\/p>\n

This summer isn’t a total write-off in terms of career development. I’m going to do a little real work and I can also spin my triathletic endeavors into resume-worthy material. Check it out.<\/p>\n

Responsibilities include:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Formulating and executing aquatic, velocipedal and bipedal locomotion sessions (aka training)<\/li>\n
  2. Cultivating gastronomic sensibilities (aka eating)<\/li>\n
  3. Maintaining hydration equilibrium (aka quaffing innumerable mugs of tea)<\/li>\n
  4. Partaking in narcoleptic interludes (aka napping)<\/li>\n
  5. Attending industry conventions (aka racing)<\/li>\n
  6. Keeping abreast of industry news and best practices (aka perusing Slowtwitch<\/a>).<\/li>\n
  7. Curating an online identity (aka blogging)<\/li>\n
  8. Conducting media interviews and public appearances (everyone embellishes resumes a little, right?)<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
    \nI also prepared some responses to standard interview questions:<\/div>\n
    \n<\/div>\n
    \nWhat are the greatest challenges you have faced? How did you handle them?<\/i><\/div>\n
    \nPost-workout somnolence. Naps.<\/div>\n
    \nFlat tire. Called mom to pick me up.<\/div>\n
    \n<\/div>\n
    \nWhat is your greatest strength? weakness?<\/i><\/div>\n
    \nAbs. Biceps.<\/div>\n
    \n<\/div>\n
    \nDo you take work home with you?<\/i><\/div>\n
    \nAlways!<\/div>\n
    \n<\/div>\n
    \nAre you a team player?<\/i><\/div>\n
    \n***awkward silence***<\/div>\n
    \n<\/div>\n
    \nOh yeah, mom and dad, don’t worry if you happen to read this. I won’t be a pseudo-pro triathlete forever. I’ll vacate the nest eventually. Be thankful that our basement is uninhabitable…<\/div>\n
    <\/a><\/a><\/a><\/a>\n